Insecure Hearts Season 2 -“It’s not them, it’s him”

I had an epiphany! All of this time I have been wanting the reason to be something or someone else. Attaching and detaching myself from any and everything that threatens my peace of mind and piece of love. Allowing things to be the distraction from the real problem. That problem is him, his inability and unwillingness to love me the way I deserve. To return the loyalty, trust and security that I have provided. The ability to know the importance of having a home to come to that isn’t empty, a body to lay next to that is all yours, and the confidence in knowing that he’s loved. The beyond a shadow of a doubt type of love that he can argue about and your friends can vouch for. When your friends and family and speak confidently about the woman he’s with and how her character is no nonsense when it comes to her man. The kind of love that is unquestionable to everyone!
With all of that being said he in return does not give love back. So I realize my heart has become insecure and my heart unidentifiable. Up until this moment I really thought it was things that were in the way of him loving me but today I know it is him alone! His lack of intentional love, the abundance of ignorant love that he just seem to be a part of. The unimportant love that he display is my biggest insecure spot. All the while I have been searching and blaming his actions on his surroundings for the behaviors of a man that just doesn’t show any emotion outside of the bedroom. Not realizing how lonely this relationship has been.
Yes, we have extensive conversations about the desire for success but we have no love connection. I am just a statue standing in the hall waiting to be dusted off during spring cleaning that has never come.
I find myself jealous of the attention and energy he gives away and fails to invest in me. It is charity to all around him that he gives at drop of a hat but with me it is a job. It is joy to his spirit to give it away to anyone other than me. Now I am asking myself why have I have been in this denial for so long. Why have I not seen this from the beginning? As crazy as it sounds and as many times as I have been asked the question “Why do you stay”, this last time evoked an emotion that I have never felt. It made me search my mind outside of my heart because the question came from him. The one person that I felt should obviously know how I feel by demonstration. Who should know because everything I have done has been out of pure love, compassion, trust and dedication. When I say trust that doesn’t mean that I have forgotten what we have been through it just means I have shown enough mercy on your actions that I continue to be hopeful of him changing the bad behavior. Yes, he has asked me this before but this time was different, the conviction was different, the sincerity of the question was different and it just penetrated. So now I am asking myself the same thing.
I have been longing for the loving part of my relationship to confirm me being on the right path with him. To secure the spot of my heart that is purely broken but still ticking. To put hope back into the spaces where it has been lost. This void has never been refilled and I realize that I have not truly healed anything. I haven’t even begin to heal because I still don’t know his true feeling for me. I know his feelings for his friends, work and everything else in his life..but not me. It sounds really strange now that I say it.
At one point I was sure of the reason I stay but now that I have identified the real source of my problem I don’t know why. Have I really become that insecure that I no longer see myself? Has my heart become only him without me? I didn’t attribute my state of relationship to him not really loving me. Should I be? Yes, he loves me but he’s not loving me. Love is a feeling, loving is an action. This action I have not seen in a long time, he has displayed it for other parts of his life but this part just doesn’t fall in that category. When did I become this broken girl that’s insecure and my heart unidentifiable?
He has demonstrated the things that he wants in his life at the expense of losing me. He bets on the odds and not the even. My heart has always been the dice that he’s willing to wager and hope for something bigger. Every time he walks away from the table he just accepts what he came with until the next opportunity to roll the dice arrives. I know he’s not going to bet on me, he’s going to take his chances and that is why I am so guarded, insecure and unsure. That’s why I walk in defense alone, because he has never bet on me. The opportunity has been there on multiple occasions but he still fails. Even after we get a full fight and discussion of repair, the solutuon is only a temporary cast that will come off. When it comes off and situations that we’ve moved past arrives again he ignores the rules. He makes it trivia as if he didn’t understand the rules once again. So we continually argue the same point and it’s begining to make me feel like a crazy person. I realize that now!
How and why did I forget myself while loving him? How do I get back to myself? Right now I am on a journey to figure that out.