Friendship Series 1- “Beneficial Friends”

   Twenty two years ago I began a relationship that had no destination at all. I did not want a committed relationship, and he didn’t want a committed relationship. We had a clear understanding about that if nothing else. I was not a woman who was going to open my legs to more than one man even if I was single! If we were making a decision to do this friends with benefits thing then we had to get clear on that. If I am not sleeping around he was not going to be sleeping around! Hang out with who you want but when it comes to sex that is strictly between you and me only. If either of us decided that we had a change of heart about that all we needed to do was let the other person know. This way we could discontinue this thing we were doing. Yes, those were the terms and conditions of being in my bed! Now that we have agreed he now his is my official “Beneficial Friend”

    About two years or so into the established relationship of “beneficial friends” I began to catch feelings. I didn’t initially express it because I was still battling with the idea of wanting to love someone again. I had already been hurt from a previous relationship and that type of hurt was not pretty! Like that hurt that make you ugly cry, cry when you’re listening to happy music, cry when you just want to sleep and just cry for nothing at all. I felt that if I defined my terms up front I wouldn’t be setting myself up for that type of hurt again. I felt like I was in control of what I was feeling, and it worked for as long as it could but it is hard to wake up to someone for this long and not catch feelings. This set up wasn’t realistic because it was lasting too long, and I had to learn that the hard way! I have now spent years cuddled up with the same man, and now I am starting to feel like I might want something else with him.  Eventually I told him how I felt and we had a heart to heart about it. He told me “You’re a good girl and I could see myself with you when I am ready, but we have to both get to this point”. That was right! “When we both get to this point”, I can handle that.  So I thought! Plus I still had trust issues that steamed from my first love. Starting with trusting myself! I was so disappointed in myself for allowing someone in my life to deceive me that I was refusing to make this same mistake again. I felt that if I allowed him to show me his truth free and clear of a title I would have a chance to make a real decision regarding if I liked him or not. Or loved him or not! I didn’t realize these feelings were creeping up on me and had me in a headlock until he chose someone else.

    Throughout the timeframe of seven years at one point he did tell me that he wanted to peruse someone else that had caught his interest. Mind you this was 4 years into being friends with benefits. Like I said “if I am not sleeping around you are not sleeping around” so that was that. I was mad as hell. What do you mean? We have had multiple talks about when we’re ready for a committed relationship I was going to be your choice. So now you’re choosing some random bitch you have had a crush on over me!  Oh, that conversation left off on a Fuck you and that bitch!  How dare you choose someone else over me? I was so mad, disappointed and hurt all over again. Fuck his life, is how I felt! Oh, I was so pissed off with myself for even having these emotions. He still went on and decided to be with this chick and I continued on to doing me. Was I sad? Yes, I cried at first but I got over it. I started dating with the same ideas that I initially had with him. I do not want a relationship, but I understand that a woman has needs just like a man. Except this time I had some weeding out to do before allowing anyone in my bed. My initial “beneficial friend” I had known for most of my life so he got a backstage pass. Well I knew of him but we never hung out, and he just felt safe. We grew up in the same neighborhood, our brothers were friends, and we saw each other in passing. We just never hung out together. I moved out of my parents’ house when I was seventeen and decided to be independent. At the time that I moved out I had a boyfriend who came with me, so I wasn’t around the neighborhood the way I used to be as a kid. I mean I stopped coming around the neighborhood pretty much around fifteen because I was driving, working and going to school. I was a very independent at a young age, I didn’t like being told what to do so I moved out!

    Okay back to this “beneficial friend”. About four months into his relationship FAIL with his so called crush I received a call. I swear I looked at the phone like my caller ID was broken! “Hello”, after I picked up after the fourth ring, and guess who? Yup, him. The caller ID wasn’t broken at all. At this time I am no longer over emotional about him, I actually was grinning because I knew that shit didn’t work. Fool I have given you 4 years of my life, uncommitted but committed. You’ve never had to worry about the status of my STD test because I wasn’t that girl. You never had to even hear about another man. Aww, so she cheated? Oh, she smokes cigarettes and you hate cigarettes? Oh, she complains about you working so much? Poor you! Asshole. You will never find another woman like me! Your right I said it, I will toot my own horn. So I ask “what happened to your girl”? That’s when he told me about her habits and shit like that. “So why are you calling me”? Him “I was heading to the movies but it’s not starting for about 45 minutes, I wanted to see if I could stop by”. You know a smile came across my face!

    What did I say? “Sure”. Mind you I haven’t had any intimate relationship with anyone else since we stopped dealing with each other four months ago. I met some interesting people in that time frame myself, some cool, some crazy, and some over possessive. I can honestly say none interesting enough for me to take serious! I was still resentful of the fact that he lied about choosing me, but at this point I wanted what I wanted. He came over and I thought we were going to rekindle what we had previously established. He stayed the night and went home in the morning. One week later, he didn’t call me nor did I call him. We literally just left it at that, and a month and a half later life decided to throw both me a curve ball!

    Rewind 3 months. I was told by my mom that the she had issues with having kids and that I needed to have myself checked. Just to make sure I don’t have any fertility issues myself. At this time I was working at an office that gave me access to a MD. When I went to work one day I spoke with him about what my mother had told me and he offered to send me for a test. A hysterosalpingogram to be exact. This test is to show whether both fallopian tubes are open and the shape of the uterine cavity is normal. I was scheduled for this test a week after the order. Let me tell you, this test was uncomfortable. The cramping was unreal, I was glad when it was over. Well I was for a very short period moment. My tubes were blocked! Now what?

     I was sent to a fertility specialist to discuss my options. No, I do not want a baby right now but now that I know that I have a problem I want to get it fixed. This never even was a factor in my life until my mother brought it to my attention. Now I am dealing with this problem that wasn’t a problem in my life. I made my appointment and went to see the fertility specialist. What were my options was my first question, the answer “surgery”.  Laparoscopic surgery. If you know me being put to sleep is one of my biggest fears, but what choice do I have? I began seeing this doctor for surgery pre-op and testing. These appointments went on for three months to be exact before my schedule surgery. The day before surgery my friend and I went to a local restaurant to eat and take my mind off of the surgery. I was told to not eat after midnight, check in at 6am to prep for the surgery scheduled at 8am. I was so determined to not think about it I went to the store a purchased a full entertainment center unassembled. I spent the entire night putting this thing together. Me weighing no more than 115 pounds wet pulled that system into my apartment and got busy.  My nerves were shot!

    Surgery day.

     I was brought back to get ready, surgery attire, IV, urine test and wait. My doctor was late! Late, and I am nervous. Was this a sign that I needed to leave? OMG I am more nervous now. I asked for my friend to come back because I was so not feeling this. The nurse went and brought her back for me while I waited. She and a guy friend were there with me, so they could drive me home after.  She came back and just took my mind off of the fact that my doctor was now more than thirty minutes late.  Forty minutes later, my doctor shows up, finally. He sits down and apologizes for being so late. He goes over and speak with the nurse and he looks back at me with this big ass smile on his face, in my mind I am like okay here we go. He comes back and sit down next to me and he says “Well it looks like we don’t have to have surgery today”. What the hell! “Why not? He hits me with something I never expected to hear. “You’re Pregnant”! I think in the moment I just could not process anything at all. When I did finally get my words out it was not pleasant. “No, you need to retake that test, that isn’t my urine test, I am here because I cannot get pregnant remember”. He said “yes I remember but this is your test”. Me “You’re going to retake this test and I am going to sit in the room while you do”! Lord have mercy this cannot be happening. I had just enrolled in college and began taking classes. I followed the nurse into the bathroom and again urinated into a cup. She used a Doppler and tested my urine, no shit it was positive. I felt bad for the nurse because I became completely angry and I was not shy about it. The only person I had any dealings with in this time frame was my “beneficial friend” whom I had only seen once and had not spoken with since. How do I call this man and tell him I am pregnant? How could I be so careless even if I thought I couldn’t get pregnant? This was the beginning of a disaster. My mind is spinning at one hundred miles per hour, I swear I am about to lose it. He was only supposed to be a friend not my child’s father or anything else at this point. My “beneficial friend” has just become my child’s father.

Now how do I break this news?

Keep a look out for the continuation of this story in our “Love to hate Series” coming soon.

All stories are based on true life events.

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